My Secret Batttle: Why I Won't Step On a Scale
Stepping on a scale, can be self torture. The moment we look at the number, all kinds of feelings, anxiety and fear of failure, set in. Just looking at that number, causes us to freak out.
I stopped stepping on a scale and keeping track of my weight, when my son was six months old. I grew up in a society, where thin was in. It wasn't about being healthy, exercising and eating right. It was about being skinny.
I was in middle school and had a basketball coach, that told me if I dropped a few pounds, I'd be able to run faster. I wanted to be a great basketball player, so I started trying to drop my weight down. What happened to me in the process, I became anorexic.
I had it drilled in my head; because I convinced myself and let other people's stupid comments get to me, that I had to be 120 pounds. I never let myself go over that weight and stepping on a scale, seeing that number go over, put me in a whirl wind of starvation.
I would start fasting, if I saw that number go past that 120 mark. I would drink water, if I got hungry. I would jog a few miles, a couple of times a day. I thought I was fat and that I had to run it off. This went on throughout my teenage years and into my early twenties.
Nobody ever seemed to notice, except my dentist. I was seventeen years old and went in for a cleaning. The enamel on my teeth was wearing off and my teeth were starting to decay. I remember sitting in the dentist chair and crying, as he lectured me. I told him, I didn't want to be fat.
He suggested that I eat vegetables, so I started eating plain lettuce. I only allowed myself to eat once per day and kept the portion very small. My grandma noticed and made me sit at the table and eat in front of her. I would gag and could barely swallow food.
Then, I looked at the cover of Sports Illustrated and decided I wanted my body, to look like all of them models. My family pointed out, I had to actually eat food, to look like them. Finally, my grandma took the scale and threw it in the trash, she never kept a scale in the house after that.
I started eating vegetables and exercising every day. I was actually able to develop some muscle, in the process. I bounced back and forth with food and went to a drug store to weigh myself, for about a year.
It was after I got pregnant with my daughter and my Doctor made me step on a scale backwards, that things started clicking in my head. I had to learn to eat healthy and started working with a nutritionist.
I knew that I wanted my child to be healthy, so I changed my focus, to being healthy. After I had my second child, my son, I started to fall back into the not eating. I never weighed myself, I just kept exercising. My clothes were to big and I went to buy a new pair of jeans, I was a size zero.
I cried, because I was scared, I knew I had to just stop. I quit everything and focused on eating healthy, so my kids would be healthy. I didn't exercise and I didn't weigh myself, for a few years. I was also thin and not fat, I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't want to know.
Eventually, I bought a full length mirror and stood in front of it naked. I decided the only thing, I needed to work on was my belly, so I did sit ups. I learned to like my body naked, no scale, no obsessive exercise and no starving myself.
It took me, until I was twenty eight years old, to accept my body. I spent my thirties, trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I liked buying myself sexy bra's and panties, standing in front of a full length mirror and liking what I saw.
I am now forty five and I still don't step on a scale. I don't want to see that number and feel that anxiety again. I stopped working out, when I was forty. I wanted to look great when I turned forty and I did, so I stopped.
Over the last five years, I haven't looked in a full length mirror much. I have gained weight and feel bogged down and have less energy. Much of my weight gain, has come from turning to comfort food, not knowing how to deal with grieving.
As I mentioned before, I lost three people in my family, that I was close to, in two years. They were my rocks, my support system, so many times and now they are gone. Comfort food, made me feel less sad.
I knew I had to pick myself up and get back to being healthy again. I don't have grandchildren yet, when I do, I want to be around to watch them grow up. I learned not to deprive myself, if I want a piece of chocolate, I eat a piece of chocolate. I just do everything in moderation now.
I just returned to the gym and started working out again. I won't step on a scale, I don't want to know. I just look in the mirror, at the areas of my body that I want to tone up. I'm not a Super Model and I don't want to be one either. I just want to accept my body, be comfortable in my own skin and to be healthy.
I have never really talked to my kids about my battle, I just wanted them to learn to be healthy and they are. I taught them not to deprive themselves of a piece of cake, they just can't eat it all of the time. I kept sugar away from them as much as I could, but they thought it was because it was bad for their teeth and it is.
I decided to share this with the world, because if I can inspire one person, that is anorexic, to get help and change their way of thinking, then it's worth me writing about it. Over the next few months, I am going to write a post about my progress.
I took this picture of myself at the gym, this is what I look like now, barely any makeup, my glasses on and I didn't even do my hair. I'm going to focus on toning my whole body and will post my workouts. My focus is to be healthy and to get into great shape. I just want to be me and to be the best version of myself, that I can be, on the inside and on the outside.
Everyone have a great week! Be healthy!
Bobbie
XoXoXo
I stopped stepping on a scale and keeping track of my weight, when my son was six months old. I grew up in a society, where thin was in. It wasn't about being healthy, exercising and eating right. It was about being skinny.
I was in middle school and had a basketball coach, that told me if I dropped a few pounds, I'd be able to run faster. I wanted to be a great basketball player, so I started trying to drop my weight down. What happened to me in the process, I became anorexic.
I had it drilled in my head; because I convinced myself and let other people's stupid comments get to me, that I had to be 120 pounds. I never let myself go over that weight and stepping on a scale, seeing that number go over, put me in a whirl wind of starvation.
I would start fasting, if I saw that number go past that 120 mark. I would drink water, if I got hungry. I would jog a few miles, a couple of times a day. I thought I was fat and that I had to run it off. This went on throughout my teenage years and into my early twenties.
Nobody ever seemed to notice, except my dentist. I was seventeen years old and went in for a cleaning. The enamel on my teeth was wearing off and my teeth were starting to decay. I remember sitting in the dentist chair and crying, as he lectured me. I told him, I didn't want to be fat.
He suggested that I eat vegetables, so I started eating plain lettuce. I only allowed myself to eat once per day and kept the portion very small. My grandma noticed and made me sit at the table and eat in front of her. I would gag and could barely swallow food.
Then, I looked at the cover of Sports Illustrated and decided I wanted my body, to look like all of them models. My family pointed out, I had to actually eat food, to look like them. Finally, my grandma took the scale and threw it in the trash, she never kept a scale in the house after that.
I started eating vegetables and exercising every day. I was actually able to develop some muscle, in the process. I bounced back and forth with food and went to a drug store to weigh myself, for about a year.
It was after I got pregnant with my daughter and my Doctor made me step on a scale backwards, that things started clicking in my head. I had to learn to eat healthy and started working with a nutritionist.
I knew that I wanted my child to be healthy, so I changed my focus, to being healthy. After I had my second child, my son, I started to fall back into the not eating. I never weighed myself, I just kept exercising. My clothes were to big and I went to buy a new pair of jeans, I was a size zero.
I cried, because I was scared, I knew I had to just stop. I quit everything and focused on eating healthy, so my kids would be healthy. I didn't exercise and I didn't weigh myself, for a few years. I was also thin and not fat, I had no idea what my weight was and I didn't want to know.
Eventually, I bought a full length mirror and stood in front of it naked. I decided the only thing, I needed to work on was my belly, so I did sit ups. I learned to like my body naked, no scale, no obsessive exercise and no starving myself.
It took me, until I was twenty eight years old, to accept my body. I spent my thirties, trying to be comfortable in my own skin. I liked buying myself sexy bra's and panties, standing in front of a full length mirror and liking what I saw.
I am now forty five and I still don't step on a scale. I don't want to see that number and feel that anxiety again. I stopped working out, when I was forty. I wanted to look great when I turned forty and I did, so I stopped.
Over the last five years, I haven't looked in a full length mirror much. I have gained weight and feel bogged down and have less energy. Much of my weight gain, has come from turning to comfort food, not knowing how to deal with grieving.
As I mentioned before, I lost three people in my family, that I was close to, in two years. They were my rocks, my support system, so many times and now they are gone. Comfort food, made me feel less sad.
I knew I had to pick myself up and get back to being healthy again. I don't have grandchildren yet, when I do, I want to be around to watch them grow up. I learned not to deprive myself, if I want a piece of chocolate, I eat a piece of chocolate. I just do everything in moderation now.
I just returned to the gym and started working out again. I won't step on a scale, I don't want to know. I just look in the mirror, at the areas of my body that I want to tone up. I'm not a Super Model and I don't want to be one either. I just want to accept my body, be comfortable in my own skin and to be healthy.
I have never really talked to my kids about my battle, I just wanted them to learn to be healthy and they are. I taught them not to deprive themselves of a piece of cake, they just can't eat it all of the time. I kept sugar away from them as much as I could, but they thought it was because it was bad for their teeth and it is.
I decided to share this with the world, because if I can inspire one person, that is anorexic, to get help and change their way of thinking, then it's worth me writing about it. Over the next few months, I am going to write a post about my progress.
I took this picture of myself at the gym, this is what I look like now, barely any makeup, my glasses on and I didn't even do my hair. I'm going to focus on toning my whole body and will post my workouts. My focus is to be healthy and to get into great shape. I just want to be me and to be the best version of myself, that I can be, on the inside and on the outside.
Everyone have a great week! Be healthy!
Bobbie
XoXoXo
Comments
Post a Comment