How I Survived as a Single Mom : Part 1

At my sons high school graduation, I did the typical mom thing, I took a walk down memory lane. The memories of all of the battles, for twelve years of getting my youngest child through school, were flooding through my mind.

I was feeling very emotional and teary eyed. No more battles over homework, it was the final page to his book of  his school days. When the graduating class entered the gymnasium, I had realized, that with no plan what so ever, the dress I was wearing had almost matched the shade of blue as the graduates gowns. 

It was at that moment the reality sank in, in a way I was graduating as well, from being a single mom. It was my personal moment of victory. 

I decided to share my story with my readers, by doing so, if I can inspire any other single parent, then I guess I have paid it forward some way, by writing about it. 

I was twenty years old when I got pregnant with my daughter and no I was not married, or with the father. I was as scared as anyone would be in my situation. I wasn't certain what I would decide to do, or how I would do it. I had taken a home pregnancy test and the stick kept turning black, instead of showing me a plus or minus. 

My best friend had told me that it was a sign, that I wasn't supposed to know the results. I quickly scheduled an appointment for a pregnancy test, to find out, if I really was pregnant. I wasn't the best at keeping track of my menstrual cycles, so I wasn't sure how late I really was. 

My family had come from a Catholic back ground, so not being married and having a baby was considered a sin. I felt as if I was, the biggest sinner ever! I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life, I was in a stage of only wanting to have fun. The one night of me being to drunk and very irresponsible, had me re-thinking everything, quickly. 

The worst of it was, my grandmother raised me, from the day that I was born, she had eleven children of her own and I swore,  had a nose for smelling when someone was pregnant.  I knew I could not hide it from her, so I tried to stay away from her. I had the fear of disappointing her. 

After a couple of weeks, I had decided that I was keeping my baby and that I would accept what ever was about to come my way.  I had friends telling me to get an abortion, that I would only ruin my life if I had a baby. 

My grandmother was not accepting or disapproving, when I had finally broke down and told her that I was pregnant. She did tell me to think about what I was going to do and encouraged me to move back home with her and so I did. 

The one thing that she said to me, that always stuck in my head, were these words, " No child asks to be brought into this world, if you are going to bring one into this world, then it is your job, to take care of it and give it lots of love, provide for it and be there for it."

The day my daughter was born and I looked into her eyes. I could only think about how beautiful she was, not about how she was going to ruin anything for me.  My life changed and in-spite of what others thought, because I was not married, it was for the better. 

I was scared and had the fear of failure consume me, I feared being a bad mother. I quickly started reading parent magazine and went to the public library, rented parenting videos and watched them. I knew that I had to learn how to take care of this beautiful gift that God had given me, my daughter. 

I had my moments of shame, it was 1991 and society was just beginning to change, on the single parent perception. I was told by so many people that I could not raise a child alone. What I really learned quickly, was that people love to judge, other people. 

When my daughter was two months old, I moved into a small dumpy trailer, it was all that I could afford. My grandmother retired from her job and was opposed to me taking my daughter to daycare, she insisted that she be the one to watch her, while I worked. 

I had more people telling me how to live my life and what they thought that I should do, like go to college. I wasn't sure what I wanted to go to school for, at the time, all I wanted to do was write songs and be a country singer. 

I knew that I had the priority of taking care of my daughter, so I sang to her, everyday. I had ended up back together with an ex boyfriend, that was controlling. I stayed with him, because I was scared to raise my daughter alone. It took until my daughter was three years old, to realize I was miserable in that relationship and I just wanted to be happy. 

I went after my daughters father for child support and he paid it, every month. Her biological father kept telling me he wanted to be in her life, he just couldn't stay sober to do it. I knew that I did not want to be with someone that drank all the time and did drugs, I made the decision to keep him at a distance, for both mine and my daughters sake. I didn't drink often and I wanted nothing to do with drugs or anyone that was involved with drugs. 

I met a new guy and we had a relationship for three months. We continued to see each other and 'hook up' off and on, for a few years, until I got pregnant with my son. I was completely freaked out when I found out that I was pregnant again, how would I raise two kids alone, when I was already struggling with one.

I knew that I could not be with his father, I had caught him with someone else, that's why our relationship lasted three months. I had no trust and I didn't want to be with someone, that I could not trust. I was young and naive, I should have told him to kick rocks, before I got pregnant, but I didn't.

When my son was born, I never gave his father a chance to get close to us, I shut him out. I did make him pay child support though. I couldn't deal with him, because I didn't know how. I was trying to juggle my daughter in kindergarten and a new born baby. I was trying to figure out, how to make this work, being a single parent. 

What happened was, the more I tried to make things work, the more they fell apart for me. I was a mess and was falling apart emotionally. I turned to the ex boyfriend that I was miserable with, for help. He was going back to school and needed a roommate and he had two extra bedrooms. We moved in with him, my son and I shared a room, since he wasn't sleeping through the night and my daughter had her own room. 

I paid him rent and he helped me with my kids, we lived with him, until three months before his college graduation. We made each other more miserable and we both knew that financially, we couldn't change it. During that time, I took a job as a bartender and started saving my tip money, without anyone knowing. 

My roommate had gotten into trouble again and I was tired of bailing him out. The reality had set in, if he couldn't get his life together and stay out of trouble, then I needed to distance myself. My son was three years old and one month before his fourth birthday, we moved out. I used the tip money that I saved and my tax return, for a down payment on a three bedroom mobile home.

I will continue with the rest of my story next week and do this in a five part blog. 

Thanks for reading, everyone have a great week!

Bobbie 

XoXoXo